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What can I say I love My Mom. But I hate Cancer.

Mom’s the one woman in this world besides my sisters that will always have my back no matter what. She was nineteen when she gave birth to me. I’m the oldest daughter. I have two younger sisters and one brother whose the oldest of four.

Mom taught us all to treat others the way we want to be treated. That we need to never judge anyone by the color of their skin, or by how much money they have. I think we all turned out Ok. If nothing else we are a close-knit family. 

I never thought when we were making plans for mom’s seventieth birthday this year that we would also be praying that she made it to her seventy first. But that’s just the way it is now.

And with Christmas just two weeks away I worry that this could be her last.  If you’ve read my blog you know that my Mom has stage four lung Cancer. She found out in April of this year.

And since my last post about Mom health she’s been through hell.

Within two weeks time she went from being self-sufficient to not being able to walk to the bathroom without assistance?

This from a woman who in February of this year went to Florida for three months by herself to stay with friends. She would also drive five hours to Massachusetts to see my brother at least once a year. She even Flew to Colorado to spend time with her grandson his wife and her first great-granddaughter last year.

So to watch her deteriorating right before our eyes is breaking our hearts. And there’s not a damn thing any of us can do about it.

Mom did alright with the radiation. But once she started chemo four months ago her life changed dramatically.

So It took nine months. NOT for the Cancer to bring her down. But for the doctors to bring her down. Yes I blame the doctors. She’s looking to them for guidance. She’s never been through this before. But they sure as hell have been.

So isn’t it their job to tell her what her best chance of treatment should be?

And you would think that after all these years Cancer treatments would be different. But doctors are still putting poison into cancer patients bodies everyday. Then the doctors just sit back to see what happens next. It makes me sick.

There’s a line of patients of all ages waiting to get poison put into their bodies every day. And I don’t understand why. Everything I’ve read says it’s not the Cancer that kills these beautiful people. It’s the Chemo treatments that gets them first.

Today as I write this Mom’s Not doing well. The chemo is kicking her ass. And she’s fighting to come back from the pneumonia she got about six weeks ago.

But with the doctors still pushing the chemo through her veins she’s going down hill fast. Her immune system can’t catch up before the nurses hook her up to another poisonous IV drip. Sure these nurses always have a smile and a kind word to say. “How you doing today hon?” I honestly don’t know how the nurses do it day in and day out. I sure couldn’t knowingly hook a patient up to poison.

I hate that there’s nothing else we can do to take away Mom’s Cancer. We sit by and watch the life get sucked out of her.

I hate that they are still giving her that fucking Chemo even though its killing her.

And I hate that she wants so much to go to Florida to live out the rest of her life. And that she’s just not strong enough to get on a plane right now.

If I thought she could make the drive and be alright I would take her myself. But I know she needs to be here close to her family and close to these fucking doctors.

I am hoping and praying that when she see’s the oncologist this week that she say’s ENOUGH!

Because If it were up to me I would tell those doctors to fuck off. And To stick their Chemo treatments up their own ass’s. You can see why my sisters don’t want me to go up there. And I understand but then again I don’t get why they aren’t seeing this the way I do. To me it’s crystal clear.

I so believe the doctors are using my beautiful mother for research. You see she’s also a liver transplant recipient. She had her transplant 15 yrs ago. And she was doing great! She was told last November that she could go to Florida and that she was in perfect health. We’ve since learned that the anti-rejection drugs that kept her alive all these years are like food to Cancer cells.

Of course Mom remembered a doctor telling her that after ten years she needed to start weaning herself off of these drugs. Without any of us or her doctors knowing she was doing just that. And it’s a good thing too. Because if she hadn’t the Cancer might have gotten her a few years earlier.

So where are we now? Well they did eighteen rounds of radiation. Sure she was exhausted but Mom took it like the champ that she is. Then came the chemo. In September She had three rounds of chemo and they did a scan to see what was going on.

Turns out the tumor on her spine disappeared. And the Cancer in her lungs shrunk three centimeters. We asked if they could just go in and cut the rest out. But they said the Cancer was so small that they probably wouldn’t be able to find it. So Yay Mom!!

We were all on cloud nine. But of course you don’t need a degree to see that it wasn’t the Chemo that got rid of that tumor. It was the radiation.

But that celebration was short-lived. A week later she was in the hospital with pneumonia.Why they didn’t see the pneumonia in that scan the week before is something I will never understand. She stayed in the hospital for five days. And came home very week and with oxygen.

Now this is where I really get pissed off. Instead of waiting for her body to fight off the pneumonia they only waited two weeks and then they gave her more chemo. And these doctors continue to give it too her.

She’s so tired. Her life is basically spent sitting in her recliner. She can’t even sleep in her own bed anymore. Laying down will cause her to lose her breath and cause her to cough up lots of phlegm.

She’s been fighting for her life since she found out in April that she had this fucking disease. She has a nurse and a therapist who come in once a week. And in between that my sister takes her to Chemo.

Her immune system is so low that she can’t fight anything. She stopped going to church when she found out she had Cancer in fear that she might catch something from someone and not be able to fight it off.

If it were up to me I wouldn’t let her have anymore Chemo. I want her to have quality of life. Even if it’s only six months. If she could have six months of laughing with her family and friends. Cooking and doing the things that she loves to do. I just want my Mama to Feel healthy again. Then if the Cancer gets her so be it.

The way I see it is; if she’s going to die anyway then why make her sick when she doesn’t have to be.

Then there are the new drugs that are coming out for lung cancer in March. They are cures for lung Cancer. And they are not poison like chemo. I talk to my angels everyday and hope that she will get there.

My Mom is one tough Jersey girl.

But I am so scared for her.

I wanted to go up to Pennsylvania for her oncologist appointment this week but then my sister asked me if I could go and just listen. Not say a word. And I can’t do that. Not after everything I’ve read that has said patients die from the chemo and pneumonia long before they die from the actual Cancer.

I love my Mama. And as I write this post there are tears rolling down my face and I just want to scream! I want to say Leave her alone! And I want to take her away from all this craziness.

She’s supposed to move to Florida with us in March. In fact she was supposed to leave before us. She has lot’s of friends waiting for her to arrive. My Mom is that woman who friends make plans for. When she walks into a room she lights it up. She’s strong-willed, loud, outspoken, and she’s beautiful on the inside and the outside. She’s loving and genuinely cares about people and animals.

When I was nine and she was pregnant with my baby sister Jennifer we were at the Jersey shore. And she found this huge German Shepard under the house next to the one we were staying in. Mom with her big pregnant belly sat in a beach chair on the ground every day after we came back from the beach. She stayed there for hours.

She had a bowl of water and food out for this scared dog. And she had food in her hand. It took days, she would sit and talk to this dog for hours. I remember the patience she had. The way she smiled when that dog came out and ate from her hand was priceless. It’s something that I will never forget.

That’s the kind of woman my Mom is. She loves unconditionally. All of Her children would do anything she ask. And her grandchildren and great-grandchildren adore her.

When my dad died four years ago we didn’t’ think she would ever recover. They had a thirty-five year love affair. He wasn’t sick and so it was a shock to us all when she found him on the floor one night. He had only been retired for fifteen months. They had so many plans they never got to live out.

That’s one reason why we want to retire as early as possible. We only get one life and if we can’t live it then whats the point.

So when Mom made plans to finally started living for herself just this past January we were all so happy.

She went to visit with her friends in Florida in February. And stayed for three months. She made new friends at the pool. Introduced her old friends to neighbors they have been living next too for years and never knew.

She did water aerobics two times a week. Went to parties and had the time of her life. And when she got home in mid April all she talked about was getting back down there. Then she fell at the end of April. Broke some ribs and they found the Cancer.

Mom believes in God and Jesus Christ.  But I can hear it in her voice that she’s starting to give up. She’s tired of being sick. And who could blame her.

Think about it, so far she’s put her life on hold for nine months. She was supposed to go to Colorado this past August to see her twin granddaughters be born. But the Cancer got in the way.

The Doctors need to tell her that she will make it to Florida. And they need to stop the chemo. I’m so tired of hearing that every patient is different. That’s just such Bullshit! Cause Frankly I think every time a doctor says every patient is different it’s just a cop-out. What they’re really saying is they don’t know.

If a patient makes it through the treatments and goes into remission the Doctor is praised. If the patient dies they blame it on the Chemo. It’s a crap shoot and really it’s all fucking Bullshit!

So everyday I talk to my Mom and I do my best to keep her hopes up. I tell her that we will be going to Florida. I talk about the houses we are looking at. And I tell her I love her.

I will keep you all updated.

If you could say a prayer for Terry I would appreciate it.

Thanks for listening.. Annie