Life isn’t always easy..

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I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything on this page or my Sexwannie blog. But life isn’t always easy.

There are important things that get in the way of writing a blog. Life gets in the way. And so does death.

My husband and I have been though so much in a very short period of time.

On May 5th 2015 we lost my father in law to heart disease. Then a week later on May 12th my Mom lost her battle with Cancer.

That’s when I lost my way. My Mom was my heart, and my biggest fan.

I still cannot believe she’s gone.

I go to call her and then reality kicks in. She’s not here.

I look for signs that she told me she would send. I see them, I know she’s watching over me.

I just want her here.

It was Mom who pushed me to write and publish my first novel.

Know  I don’t know how I’m supposed to finish my second without her here.

When I started my blogs it was my Mama who would say “You’re on your way little girl.”

Its had not having her here pushing me to write. She had been telling me my entire life I needed to keep writing. .

So now it’s been about six weeks since she’s gone and I’m so lost without her.

We have moved out of Jersey. Packed up everything we thought we might use. And staying with someone who I thought was family.

If we could move again we would be out of here tonight.

“Don’t tell my Mom on her death bed that you will take care of me, and then once I give up everything I’ve ever known turn your back on me”.

I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, and someone keeps asking me; “Why are you crying?”

They say moving and losing a loved one are the most stressful things in life.

Well we’ve gone through both in a very short period of time. To say I’m stressed to the max would be an understatement.

I haven’t been able to write a word till today.

I know if she was still here she would be telling me to get on with it. “Live your life Little girl, do it for me”.

It’s not that easy to resume your life when someone so special and close in your life dies.

The only reason I’m writing this now is because my hubby shamed me into it. “What would your mom think Annie?” Well I’m pretty sure she would understand that I’m hurting. She would also tell me that life doesn’t stand still while you’re grieving.

My Mom was a very smart woman.

She is missed every minute of every day.

I know this post may not be much to most of you. But it’s a huge step forward for me.

I want to thank you all for sticking by me while I get my life in order. I really do miss interacting with all of you.

That’s it for now. Make sure you let your parents and loved one’s know how much you love them.

We are only put on this earth for a very short time. It’s so important to let those we love know how we feel. I’m so glad there were no words left unspoken.

Life really sucks sometimes. And sometimes we have no choice but to move forward. Even if it’s one day or minute at a time..

Hugs to all of you!!!

 

 

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How do I begin?

Life is good!

SEX w/ Annie

How do I begin to tell you all the things I’ve been through?

How do I begin to write the way I used to?

I’ve been away so long that I forget how to do this.

Will life ever be the same?

The only thing I’m sure of is that we all grieve in our own way.

Its not easy to recover from all we’ve been through.

The fact that I’m writing at all means I can finally breathe.

I now wake up with a purpose.

And I seize every minute of everyday.

Writing this means my world is finally settling down.

My head is finally clear.

There are no more blank stares at the keyboard.

The tears I used to shed each day are now few and far between.

I can tell you all that once the fog cleared I started to smile and laugh again.

I’ve lived through some extremely…

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Re-blog: 10 Tips to Make Blogging Enjoyable. Traps to Avoid.

Some very useful tips for bloggers from writer Christopher Fischer.

writerchristophfischer

10 Tips to Make Blogging Enjoyable. Traps to Avoid.

Sometimes you start to blog, not having blog tips as warnings, you are all excited and you do things to your blog or that involves blogging that ultimately end up being traps that are like quicksand. They drag you down and deplete you of energy as you work to pull yourself out of what has happened.

What you do with your blog is ultimately up to you, because you want your blog to BE you. It represents part of you that you want to put out there.

Today I want to cover 10 things, traps if you will, that will cost you time, cause you weariness, and create misery. Knowing these things ahead of time might be able to save you. As a blogger…

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What A Long Strange Trip It’s Been.. Sexy Sunday #64

I can’t believe the week we’ve had.

SEX w/ Annie

c2eed1e58854ba6245ff1dc5188fc7a2It’s been a very long strange trip for both of us. And when I say both of us I mean my hubby, Nipster and myself. So if you’re wondering why I didn’t post a sexy Sunday this week I will tell you.

On the 5th of May we lost my father-in-law after a short illness. He went into the hospital with sepsis. Then came out. Then went back in two days later. This time he didn’t come out alive. He lived with 15% of his heart for over fifteen years. Such a good man..

Then this week May 12th we lost my Mom after a year-long battle with lung Cancer.

Yes I was with her. And yes I told her to go and be with my Dad.

It feels strange for both of us to not have parents.

I’m now waiting for signs that they’ve both reached their destination.

Yes…

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Get Up Off Your Ass, Break Away From Your TV and Do Something To Stop This Madness!

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We all need to do our part. Think about future It is up to us to save this planet for future generations. Every time you recycle you save a little league ball field. Plant a garden, or trim a tree instead of chopping it down. Do it this year. The future is now!

Endless Light and Love

My Dear Friends,

I urge you all to please watch this powerful short video and if you are like me it will leave you in tears and it will touch your heart, and I hope also urge you to stand up, break away from your tv and actually start doing something to help save our environment, this message is for YOU, You, yes YOU….Please share this with your friends, your social networks, and anyone who you care about….Please, please help me to help get this message out.

Namaste with Love

Always

Mark

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There’s a New Kind of Spinal Fusion Surgery

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I’m sure by now you all know that I’ve had spinal fusion surgery. I was on the fence about this newer surgery called minimally invasive. But now that I’ve had it all I can say is it was the best decision of my life.

My family and friends were the ones who assured me I had nothing to lose. And I just had the best feeling once I met the surgeon face to face at the Orthopedic Laser Spine center in Jersey.

It’s hard to believe that the pressure I’ve lived with for 26 yrs is all but gone. And half of the meds I have had to take to take just to get the edge off are gone too.

I can’t believe I’ve gone from seven Fentanyl pops a day to zero. Now I know my pain is never going to be totally gone. Besides the stenosis that was crushing my nerves I also live with something called Arachnoiditis, it’s a clumping of the nerves.

This was one thing that worried other surgeons I spoke too. In fact they told me not to have this surgery. They couldn’t understand how any surgeon could do a fusion and not touch my Arachnoiditis.

Minimally invasive is the way to go with something like this. The surgeon and his team of experts took all the precautions they could so that they didn’t disturb the Arachnoiditis. This is something that surgeons who do open back surgery need to understand before they try and discourage patients.

If my surgeon asked me too I would be a spokes person for minimally invasive surgery. And that’s because he has given me part of my life back.

With Minimally invasive surgery there is no cutting through muscles or nerves. There’s no five to seven days in the hospital. No physical therapy. And all the work is done through the two small incisions.

The day after surgery my surgeon told us that it wasn’t an easy surgery. And that I was a strong and brave woman to have lived with that kind of pain for so long. Then he said something that blew my mind.

If I hadn’t had this surgery I would have lost the use of my legs within two years. The stenosis in my spine caused by the bone spurs was closing. It would have completely closed without the surgery and that’s when I would have lost my legs.

I made the right choice. And having it done in Florida surely made a huge difference too. I was able to walk outside every day. I believe the warmth was just what I needed. My husband watched me like a hawk. He was afraid I would do too much. On the fifth day after surgery I started walking up and down the street.

Everyone who see’s me tells me I’m walking taller. I’m not hunched over or limping anymore. And that’s because that pain that caused so much pressure is gone. When the stenosis closes in on your spine canal you bend forward to ease it. I didn’t realize I did that.

I was promised fifty percent less pain and I’ve got that. Sure I still have to take pain meds. But I’m weaning off of them slowly.

Minimally invasive surgery is the way of the future. Why would anyone put themselves through open back surgery?

The one on one care you get at a surgical center is the way to go. Yes there is always the chance that something could go wrong. But that can happen in the hospital too.

In fact I got an infection when I had my first surgery (three level lumbar Laminectomy) in a hospital in 1989. That infection almost killed me. In fact I wanted to die. When you are having those kinds of spasms for five weeks straight you just want it to stop.

It took another five days in the hospital to stop those horrific spasms. And another five months to walk on my own. Along with two years of Physical therapy.

These are the kinds of things you don’t forget when told you need to have another spinal surgery.

Then when you are told that a surgeon can actually do a two level spinal fusion in about three and a half hours you don’t believe it. Or that you will be leaving the surgical center that same day. But you can’t help think about the possibilities.

Was I scared? You bet I was. But I had so much faith in my surgeon that I just had to give it a try. We met him here in New Jersey two months before the surgery.

Of course I did get sick from anesthesia. Then again I always get sick after any surgery. And it was my poor husband who had to watch me all night.

I don’t remember much of the next day. And that’s because I slept the entire ride home and into the night.

When I got up the next morning I could feel that the pressure was gone.

Life is good. I got to hug my Mom when I got back to Jersey.  I was so worried I would lose her while I was having surgery and recovering. We just had a nice Easter with my entire family. So all’s good on that front for now.

I’m six weeks in and I can’t wait to see how I’m going to be in five months. My hope is that I am off most of the medications I take. But then again I don’t really have a choice in this matter.

In Florida it doesn’t matter if you have a prescription from a legitimate doctor. The pharmacies are in charge of your pain. They decide who gets what pain meds. It’s horrible to think about the people in Florida who live with chronic pain. They are treated like drug addicts.

It’s one of the reasons I took the chance with this surgery.

But since I will never be out of pain completely I will have to do what other Floridians do. Yea you guessed it, Marijuana and wine, lol. When in Rome Right?

Just another reason why Marijuana needs to be made legal in every state. But that’s for another blog.

If you’re living with chronic back pain pick up the phone and call a surgeons who does minimally invasive surgery. You won’t be sorry you did. Thanks for listening.

http://www.orthopedicandlaserspinesurgery.com/

Update: My Spine is Doing Fine.

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Just trying to re-blog to this page to catch some of you up on what’s been going on in my life..

SEX w/ Annie

Update: After twelve days, one spinal surgery, and two horrific setbacks, I’m really doing well. The immense pressure that once plagued my back is mostly gone.

That in itself makes the choice of having this minimally invasive spinal surgery a complete success.
With the pain levels dropping already I have no doubts that my life can and will only get better.

I’m so thankful I didn’t listen to the Nay-Sayers who told me that the T-lift surgery, bone graft with fusion couldn’t be done on my back, Or that I would only get worse.

All I know is how I feel today. Twelve days post-op. And that’s pretty damn good.  If I didn’t have this surgery I would have wondered my entire life. Also the stenosis which ew bone spurs as they call them would have closed my spinal canal completely and I would have lost the use of both…

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Getting Through The Hard Stuff is Sexy Sunday #58

SEX w/ Annie

We just went through some real hell. Having spinal surgery of any magnitude isn’t easy. We are now on the other side and not looking forward to going home.

Are Relationships easy? Hell no! But a great relationship is so worth everything.

I’m doing great. Spending this time in Fl. was the best decision we could have made. As for sex that will have to wait. But my Sir is a very patient and kind man. He has taken such good care of me. I couldn’t have asked for more, love, kindness, care, respect.

The sex will come when my body is ready. And Omg that will be an epic day. If only I could shut my brain off, Lol..

We get through the hard times with love and laughter.

Now we head home to the real hard stuff. And that’s life with a sick Mom who’s waiting for me…

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Use It or Lose It

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Use It or Lose It

Write about anything you’d like, but make sure the post includes this sentence:

“I thought we’d never come back from that one.” 

Whenever I hear the phrase use it or lose it I think of sex.

I can’t help it, that’s just how my brain works. Think about it this way; the more we have sex the more we think about sex and the more we think about sex the more want sex.

If we slack off or lose that loving feeling. We must think, use it or lose it.

So I started to think; how long was the longest dry spell between sexual encounters? As far as I can remember it had to be when I had my first back surgery. That was in nineteen eighty-nine.

I was in such a bad way. That surgery almost killed me. I remember screaming as a spasm grabbed hold of me.  I wasn’t able to walk on my own for six months. Now you would think I wasn’t thinking about sex. But I was thinking about sex. I mean we had only been married for three years.

I was thinking this is the longest we’ve ever gone without it.

Will my husband wait for me?

Will he leave me?

Does he love me enough to wait?

Will I ever want sex again?

Will my body keep failing me or will I walk again?

Why did this happen to me?

And am I ever going to get back to some kind of normal?

Yes I was feeling all sorts of sorry for myself at that time. And I was a mess if you really want to know the truth. I also had to take steroids.  I had what they call moon face. It’s not a very attractive look, especially for a twenty-nine year old woman. Moon face at any age can put you over the edge, but in your twenties it’s that much worse.

Being on steroids I also gained about thirty pounds.  And being only four-foot ten inches tall I wasn’t feeling my sexy side if you know what I mean. Hell I couldn’t even find my sexy side.

So here I was not able to walk on my own, in excruciating pain, with a body and face as big as the moon. I remember feeling like a huge beach ball with a face.

It was hard to look in the mirror each day, and when I did I cried. So I was thinking: how could my husband look at me and still want sex?

And even though sex at that time was physically impossible. I couldn’t put my mind around him still wanting me in that way.  But he did. And somehow he would make me forget what I looked like. This amazing man would tell me I was beautiful and that he loved me each and every day. He also reassured me that he wasn’t going anywhere.

It was this man who got me through one of the hardest times in my life.

All I had to do was hear his voice and I would feel a calm come over me.  Yes, It was his voice that would get me through some of my toughest days.

Fast forward through a year of the hardest physical and then aquatic therapy and I was finally able to get half of my strength back. I got rid of the walker and steroids. My face went back to normal. Sure I still had about twenty pounds to lose but I was starting to feel like myself.

Through all this I realized that we did have that unconditional love thing going for us. So I promised to never doubt his love again.

I know that I am one of the luckiest women in the world. I may have to live with chronic back pain for the rest of my life but I had made it back from a failed open lumbar back Laminectomy. Yes I was left with chronic pain for the rest of my life.

And I found out was that I have a husband who will always be there for me no matter what.  And I realized if he could stand by my side through a year of hell without physical sex 😉 than I knew without a doubt that we could make it back from anything.

Yes there were times when  “I thought we’d  never come back from that one.”  But we did.

Oh and the sex? Well our sex life just keeps getting better. It turns out that we never lost that connection. And that’s why I always say: “Where there’s a will there’s definitely a way.” With sex it doesn’t have to be physical. sex is a state of mind. And you either use it or lose it!